Just got an email from a good and old friend, and it contained a quite a gem. Everyone has gotten emails termed Nigerian email scams (people wanting your personal info to send you money... yeah), as well as identity theft attempts and every other sort of crappy email junk. Well, my new hero, writing under the name Okershee Holdergrass, had correspondence with his 'hopeful'. Let's look at a few priceless morsels, shall we?
Okershee's response to the primary email:
Place your trust in the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY. With a little faith, perhaps you may be spared from the horrifying death that awaits those with CANCER OF THE LUNGS. As for me, my LORD GOD forbids me from seeking wealth. You may stick your money up the ORIFICE of your CHOICE. But please, when you meet our maker, tell him that Okershee is at his service.
God bless you, and may you find a deserving beneficiary.
Rebuttal from She Who Suffers? Indeed!
My relation that i am supposed to give out this funds to poisoned my parents and the same time tried to kill me but God secured my life that period but the sudden death of my parents led me to this deadly habit (CHAIN SMOKER) that i am suffering today.My health is seriously tormenting and will give up soonest that is the main reasons why i want you to take possession of these funds for charitable purpose.Kindly Send me this information, Your full name, your contact address, your mobile phone number to enable me forward them to the cargo company for release of the cargo in your favour.Thanks and may God bless you for being there for the poor children.
Okershee responds with a message of hope!
But wait - THERE IS HOPE! I have in my possession an ELIXIR or potion of healing herbs and spices, given to me by a holy vagrant. I have saved it for my dying father, perishing of the crotchrot. But i feel God informing me to send it to you, my lovely sister in Christ. I sense in you a wonderful righteousness and titillation, while my father is a wicked man given to sex-sin and philately.
But you, i know, would use your moneys for the appreciation and enjoyment of little children, for the eternal glory of Christ (AMEN). So i will send this powerful potion to you my sister. Please kindly send your contact address and mobile phone number so we may arrange a delivery.
There is more, of course... those are but snippets. It's just fantastic. Sir... you truly are a wonder and a credit to sarcasm and imaginative sardonic retaliation. Reading that really made me smile. This parting line truly deserves some sort of immortal praise: "I will feed you filbert nuts by candlelight. I will sing you Berber folk songs. I will bathe you with silken cloths and frothy goat milk. I will perform your last rites. And you will perish in agony, but also in delight. With rotting lungs but a soaring heart."
One of the greatest email exchanges ever.
Nothing really new here in Tang Shan. Hopefully sending out xmas gifts tomorrow. That's about the highlight. Can't wait to get that all sent off. Our plans for our school Christmas show is coming along well. Should be a laugh. We're holding it in the Museum of Science and Technology on the 23rd, and it will be full of fun skits including my on-going quest for tai ji pants, Nick doing a magic show, Michelle along with Joe and Camilla doing a rendition of Beijing Opera, Lily juggling, a modified version of The 12 Days of Christmas... the list goes on.